Hi, my name is Forrest and I’m trying to have a more satisfying sex life.
If you’re an adult woman who has ever had sex you’ve probably heard the question before. It’s one of the few things in this world that we have all seen accurately portrayed on TV and in movies. Both people are lying on their backs side by side, the obvious implication is that he just came, which of course means the sex is over. Was it good for you? What a useless question. It’s like asking a bartender asking if you liked your drink after he closed up the bar. He’s not going to fix you a new drink, so what’s the point? I mean, how often does the person asking that question actually want some constructive criticism vs an ego boost? That’s really what that question is all about, right? Validation. He got his on his own terms so he’s doing a courtesy check to make sure it was somewhere above tolerable for you.
I’m at this point in my life where I have been so conditioned that sex starts when the guy wants it and ends after he’s ejaculated in his place of choice that I actually get uncomfortable when a guy I’m sleeping with starts truly trying to focus on my pleasure. I get so embarrassed about how long its going to take me to cum and I quickly dismiss it and put the focus back on them. I’m so used to not having orgasms during sex that my pleasure during sex is almost completely irrelevant. I have sex to feel intimacy and I masturbate to have orgasms. I mean sex still feels good most of the time, I might fake it a little or over exaggerate my pleasure but I do it because I know it makes him happy, so what’s the problem?
The problem is that I’m allowing men to think their dicks are magic. I’m re-enforcing everything they’ve ever seen in porn; that they can do the bare minimum and we will lose our god damned minds. I’m letting guys use me as a warm body to masturbate into instead of an equal partner with her own wants and to have sex with and try to make feel as good as I make them feel. The guy that is asking that question, he probably didn’t even make any external effort or attempt to try to make you have an orgasm. If you did cum, was it anything he actually did? I have had so many women who have confided in me that when they do actually cum during sex it is because they were using a toy or touching themselves during the sex, or they got on top and were able to get there by grinding their pubic bone against their partner’s.
Before I discovered lube I was frequently physically in pain during sex from the friction. I didn’t say anything or ask them to stop because I felt like I owed them an orgasm and that was more important than not only me enjoying myself, but the sex even being physically comfortable for me. A raw vagina was the price I had to pay for a happy man. I would actually pretend to like it because if I showed any signs of not being into it they wouldn’t stop having sex with me, but it would take them longer to finish. I have to say I am fucking done just being a receptacle for a dude to use to get their dick wet. From now on, if I’m having sex its because I’m turned on, not because the dude I’m talking to has a boner and I feel obligated to take care of it.
As women we have to empower ourselves to not just suffer through sex with our partners. If we don’t feel like having sex, we aren’t obligated to. If we are having sex and we are bored, we need to say something or do something to make it feel better for us so we can enjoy ourselves. If we are having sex and it is hurting, we need to tell them to stop. If we are having sex and we just aren’t into it anymore, we need to tell them to stop. If you are struggling with a low libido then see your physician, but you still need to talk to your partner about it. If you need nipple clamps and a butt plug, girl tell your partner you need to try something new then go buy some. If we don’t start communicating and doing something to try to fulfill our own wants and needs we are completely dooming ourselves to have a stagnant and dissatisfying sex life.
Of course the solution to better sex isn’t putting all of the pressure on yourself. We need to expect more from our men. I mean, why don’t more guys ask how they’re doing while they are still actually fucking you? If we want sex to be something fun that we consistently look forward to as much as the guys do we have to start demanding more from our partners. Our partners need to work on being as intuitive as we strive to be. Something I have noticed as a huge difference between men and women when it comes to sex is that women will quickly sense if something isn’t right during sex. Whether it is a facial expression they make or a sound, maybe a sharp intake of air, we will immediately stop the sex to make sure our partner is okay or ask what we could be doing to make it better for them. Meanwhile, men will plow forward relentlessly until they finish because they either didn’t notice or didn’t really care if you were into it. For most women, their partner being into it is a requirement, for most men, it’s an added bonus, but definitely not necessary. We don’t expect much, we don’t need our partners to be mind readers, but maybe interpreting basic human body language would be a good start. If they know you can only get off if they do something like go down on you or use a toy on you, maybe they could just start doing that instead of us having to ask for it every single time like they are doing us a favor by allowing us to cum.
Finally, just a personal pet peeve of mine. I absolutely cannot stand it when a guy tells me – brags really – that his absolute favorite thing during sex is to get the girl off and that it drives him crazy when the girl is really into it. That isn’t something to brag about dude. THAT SHOULD BE THE EXPECTATION. All I hear when a guy says that, literally all I hear, is that the guy prefers consensual sex over rape. That is literally all you are saying when you say you like for the woman you are having sex with to be into it, that you enjoy not raping her. So let’s start telling the men in our lives this. Let’s start telling them that if a girl is visibly not into it you need to stop having sex with her or at the very least ask if you can do something to make it good for her.
Let’s change those “Was it good for yous?” into “What do you want me to do to yous.” Ask for what you want. Demand that your partner take your pleasure as seriously as their own. Explore your kinks. Make your own pleasure a priority. You can do this, because you deserve to love your sex life.
Your Aspiring Sex Therapist,